In a recent video, Teal Swan delves into the profound impact of validation on our relationships and emotional well-being.
She explores how recognizing and accepting someone’s feelings, thoughts, and experiences as genuine can foster deeper connections and healing, particularly for those who have endured invalidating environments.
However, Swan also addresses the potential pitfalls of misusing validation, emphasizing the need for authenticity and empathy. This discussion offers valuable insights for anyone seeking to improve their relationships and emotional health through the power of validation.
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Raymond and Miles: A Case of Misused Validation
The case of Raymond and Miles is a poignant example of how validation can be weaponized in relationships. The two have been partners for over five years. Their first three years together were blissful, but then things took a downturn.
Miles began engaging in passive-aggressive behaviors, emotionally withdrawing, evading issues, and stonewalling during conversations. Fundamentally, he was sabotaging the relationship in covert ways.
Eventually, Miles admitted that his actions stemmed from uncertainty about whether he truly wanted to be in a partnership with Raymond. He expressed a desire for freedom and a lifestyle with minimal responsibilities, including the freedom to explore different romantic and sexual relationships.
This lifestyle was a stark contrast to the life he and Raymond had built together, which emphasized emotional support, responsibility, and commitment. However, after revealing these fundamental incompatibilities, Miles failed to make any concrete decisions or take actions to address the situation.
He neither sought to align himself with the committed lifestyle he had initially promised nor took steps to pursue his desired free-spirited lifestyle outside the relationship. This indecision left the couple in a state of perpetual limbo, causing significant emotional distress for Raymond.
The Impact of Inaction
Raymond was naturally distressed by Miles’ confession and subsequent inaction. Weekly meltdowns, characterized by yelling, crying, and pleading with Miles to make a decision, became a regular occurrence. Despite these emotional outbursts, Miles continued his passive-aggressive behaviors.
Despite recognizing the harm he was causing, Miles kept validating Raymond’s feelings and experiences without making any real changes. He would acknowledge Raymond’s distress, apologize for his behavior, and express understanding of the pain and unfairness of the situation.
Initially, this validation seemed to help Raymond emotionally downregulate, providing a temporary sense of relief and hope that Miles would eventually take meaningful action.
The Dark Side of Validation
While validation is typically a positive and reassuring act in relationships, in this context, it became a tool of manipulation. Rather than being a step towards resolving the conflict, the validation served to placate Raymond, giving him false hope that things would improve.
This misuse of validation can be particularly harmful, as it creates a pseudo sense of repair and continuity in the relationship while perpetuating the underlying issues.
The reasons for such behavior can vary. Some individuals use validation to temporarily de-escalate conflict, buying themselves time without intending to make any real changes.
Others may genuinely understand their partner’s pain but avoid making changes due to their own fears of facing negative consequences. This avoidance keeps both partners in pain, trapped in a cycle of hope and disappointment.
Finding Solutions
Understanding the ‘why’ behind such behavior can provide significant insights into how to address it. Validating someone about the pain caused by one’s actions, only to continue those actions, is fundamentally dishonest and harmful.
True care for a partner’s best interests involves actively seeking to alleviate their pain, either by making necessary changes or by setting clear boundaries.
Active efforts to understand the pain points and work collaboratively towards solutions are essential. This may involve making personal changes or, if changes are not possible, working with the partner to find alternative arrangements that respect both parties’ needs and boundaries.
The goal is to move towards improvement rather than remaining stuck in a painful and unproductive cycle.
In conclusion, while validation can strengthen relationships, its misuse can be just as harmful as outright neglect. Recognizing when validation is being used as a tool of manipulation is crucial for maintaining emotional health and integrity in relationships.
Recommended Reading
Teal Swan’s “Shadows Before Dawn: Finding the Light of Self-Love Through Your Darkest Times” is a heartfelt and deeply personal exploration of self-love and healing. Drawing from her own experiences of trauma and recovery, Swan offers a compassionate guide for those struggling to find light in their darkest moments.
The book is filled with practical exercises, meditative practices, and insights designed to help readers reconnect with their inner selves and cultivate self-compassion. Swan’s authentic voice and willingness to share her vulnerabilities make this a powerful resource for anyone on a journey of emotional healing and self-discovery.
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